How can you forgive someone who hurt you deeply?

Quick Answer: How can you forgive someone who hurt you deeply? Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. To forgive someone is to release the offending person of any relational debt they might owe you. This happens as you assess the damage (how they made you feel), cancel the debt against them (releasing them from anything they “owe” you, even if they do it again), and then, going forward, counting on the choice you made to forgive them.

Diving Deeper: A parent abuses us or abandons us. A spouse divorces us. A friend betrays us. These relational events, and so many others, impact us in this broken world. They cause a wide range of emotions and inner turmoil. We’ve all had the experience of being wronged. How do we process the pain and move forward?

The good news is that we are free to feel. We don’t have to deny our emotions in any way. Instead, we can process them with God. And forgiveness is a one-time decision we make, independent of feelings, to release the offending individual from a debt owed to us.

Our parents owed us faithful love. Our spouse owed us a lifelong and loving marriage. Our friend owed us faithfulness. But maybe they did not give us what they “owed” us. Forgiveness is a one-time decision to release the individual of this debt.

But how exactly do we forgive? Below is a suggestion for how one might forgive someone who has hurt them deeply:

Step 1 – Assess the damage: “It hurt me when they… It made me feel… (embarrassed, abandoned, rejected, etc.)”
Step 2 – Choose to forgive and release the debt: “But I choose as an act of my will, because I am a forgiving person in Christ, to forgive them and to release them from anything they owe me, even if they do it again.”
Step 3 – Remember your choice: “Thank you, Lord Jesus Christ, for the opportunity to forgive them. I ask you to remind me, in the moments I need it the most, of this decision I’ve made today.”

The individual may never know you forgave them, but forgiveness is not only for their benefit, but for your benefit too. Forgiveness enables you to move forward in the healthiest way possible.

Keep in mind that forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Of course, you will still have memories in your mind, but the presence of these memories does not mean you failed to forgive. Forgiveness is not erasing your memory banks; it is making the choice to cancel the debt of what someone owes you in terms of better treatment.

Let’s Make It a Conversation!
1. Whom might you need to forgive? (Consider making a list of persons and offenses).
2. How did they each make you feel? (Consider assessing the damage).
3. Would you consider making the choice to forgive them right now? (Consider using the three steps above).
4. What can you do when memories resurface of the painful event?